Thread of Thoughts

[jtcash]

You know I don’t know what to say still. I haven’t spoken to anyone from the efed world for the best part of a year, Jeisa and Myke Adams were the only two who asked about my welfare in that time. Indeed the last person I spoke to was the beautiful angel that Jeisa truly was.

My father passed away a while back and I went downhill fast, I turned to alcohol and became the type of person I hated. I was full of self pity and wallowing in it seemed to be my place of solice. People here who know me here will know what I went through but one person...One person more than anyone in the efed world, one person more than anyone in my personal life helped me, dragged me through it kicking and screaming.

Jeisa, I wish I could have been there to help you, I wish I could have been there to be with you, when we talked the rest of the world was sunshine and roses, we had some of the most ridiculously 10 hour chats about absolutely nothing at all yet it was the best fun I’ve had. You could be the most foul mouthed woman and in the next second you were the most ladylike person in the world. You were perfect, my memories of you will always be happy. We put the world to rights, we mocked eachother, we were there for eachother when we could be, make no mistake Jeisa you were not just an ‘internet friend’ you were one of the very best friends I could have asked for.

It still doesn’t seem real that you’re not there, whilst I hadn’t been online in a while I always thought we’d be able to pick up where we left off, it’s tearing me apart to think it won’t. I will always cherish the memories of my cariad, I still have your sweet voice ringing in my ears, some songs that I downloaded because of you will forever bring memories of us singing them.

Those of us that knew you, Ben I am sure will agree will forever remember you. Our lives were made better for having you in it, and one day we will meet again Jeisa. I will miss you, and I pray that you are resting in peace.

My condolences go to Adam and the family, be proud of her and never forget her for the angel that blessed us all.

RIP Cariad, Cara Ya.
Xx

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[Ken Davison]

This seems to sum up how all of us feel. It seems like Jeisa has helped almost everyone I've talked to with some major crisis. She didn't even know that she stopped me from doing the very thing that we didn't have the chance to stop her from doing.

I feel guilty that I was saved by her and couldn't help her with her situation. I feel an emptiness in my life that most people cannot understand but I am sure all of you can. I feel an anger that comes and goes like the waves of the ocean because she didn't reach out to any of us in her time of need. The woman changed so many lives, and made each and every one of those lives better.

She didn't just make lives better. She saved lives. I wish I could have told her that, but I am sure that she somehow already knew.

[adamantium]

Where to start seeing as I have so much in my head that finding a good place to start will be difficult.

I know some people will read of her death and show outward emotion and loss but then in a few days time..she will just be a distant thought in passing in their lives.. I know that in others lives whom she touched deeply..their lives will never be the same and not a waking moment will go by when she isn't consuming their thoughts..

To those who do miss her just for awhile I say thank you for all your love and unwavering friendship. She truly was a woman who wouldn't like you to remember her as one who left us on her own will but one that lived and loved while she was here. Most of all she loved everyone with a passion that is hard to come by in friends..loved ones..and siblings. Your willingness to give kind thought, prayer and memory to her means the world to my family and I. For that we are grateful.

To those whom she loved the most and loved her deeper than anyone should love another..you know who you are, I won't name specific people..don't take this as your fault or think that you could have done anything different. You, of all people knew at times she could be unbridled and hard to understand but she knew you loved her. Take comfort in the fact that when she told you that she loved you, it was forever and even now, in her death, it still lives on. She never stopped loving someone even if you made her cry and broke her heart, which even i, am guilty of. It's with all that faith in her perfect love, I can say, we will get through this together.

Some have said I am a strong guy for comforting others when I myself should be seeking it. Sadly, there are no words to comfort me or any ease to my pain. I have to say that I am much like my sister in the fact I would rather help others than myself. We were raised to do for others and worry about us second. That is how I know that my sister touched so many lives and was there when you needed her. She didn't know anything else. Helping was second nature to her as she was a devoted daughter and loving mother in the short time Adelle was here.

To finish my rambling, I will just say that to know her was to love her and she will be missed dearly by everyone. You couldn't find a better sister and friend than the one I had in Jeisa. I know she would think you all are making a huge fuss over her and she would tell you all to stop it, but this forum is truly a great idea and a lot of you have went above and beyond to show your love for her. Again, from the bottom of my heart and hers, thank you all.

-Adam

[bishi]

Cerith - first of all...I'm glad to see you here. I missed talking to you man, I really did. I would like to catch up.

Now...
I am one of these people who has sat...blaming himself. I think Adam to a degree knows this. I...I have actually spent every night talking out loud, hoping she'll hear me. There isn't a moment in time that I've let her out of my mind, not since we last spoke...and I remember most of the conversations we had over a span of two years, going back and revisiting them in my mind just makes things easier for me to say "I really could have done things differently".

But...when she said "I love you", I knew she meant it and it was true...and I love her too. Honestly, I have since I first started talking to her. She had a habit of touching every single life she came across in some respect or another and she touched mine in a big way.

I am not saying your post is about me at all when I read it Adam, but it rings of truth which is why I choose to comment on it. I miss her like mad. As I said. Since the moment we stopped talking, I had thought about her every single day. There was just something I couldn't forget and I tried to justify myself not talking to her...and truth was, I couldn't but it reached a point where I was just plain afraid to take a leap and start things up again. Now I wish I had of.

Adam you are a fantastic person. Not just saying this - the world needs more people in it like you and Jeis. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here: for me, for everyone in this moment when you should be taking time to grieve.

In a final word, outward to Jeis now. I will always love you Jeis. I wish things didn't go the way they did...and I won't sugar coat it by saying "That's just what happens" like I would have before. No. I was wrong. Not wrong to make the decision I did, but wrong to stop talking to you over it. The game was just that, a game.

I want to make my intentions clear; this memorial will be my one stop per year. I will no longer be ewrestling after this, but I will come back every single year this runs, just in her memory.

[Ken Davison]

Ant, it is my goal to make this a yearly event. I have friends who didn't even know Jeis that are offering to help and/or take part because that's how tight my "eFamily" is. My e-Fed friends have stood by more through more crap than all but three of my real life friends. If you, or anyone else who knew Jeisa, or knows me through e-fedding, needs an ear, I am a text, phone call, IM or E-mail away.

[lol]

Just seen this an had to laugh because I first spoke to Jeisa in August 2014 when we met in an efed we were both part of.

She'd gone into witness protection by then and renamed herself Vanessa McGilivry, but her Sydney Laroux character became entwined as a close friend to my character. She definitely wasn't "dead", as this message board seems to believe. Shit, she'd stopped using KVD as Sydney's picbase by the time I knew her and while she was cool at first, she turned out to be a mentally unwell psycho who kept playing myself, John Ojeda and even Myke Adams (who she kept telling me she despised, but still spoke to him right up until she and I stopped talking in February 2015) while also playing her boyfriend (who she married in summer 2015 after giving birth to their second child, to go with the son they already had together).

So yeah, Jeisa/Nessa never died and probably didn't give a fuck about any of you. Totally selfish bitch.